The Pope’s Alaskan Bear Hunt

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him.
“I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who was that guy anyhow?”
“Dude, that was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.”
“Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn’t know much about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?”

Locked Out

First I had to work late. Then I discovered that I'd locked my keys in the car. But the last straw was learning that roadside service couldn't get a locksmith to me for at least two hours. Finally the guy showed, looking exhausted.
As he struggled with my door, I joked, "Do those Slim Jim tools come in purse-size?"
"Yeah," he muttered. "They're called keys."

Heavenly Request

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through.
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"

Old Lawyers

Old lawyers never die.
They just lose their appeal.

Tax Reform

At an open conference in Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they thought was the most fair and equitable.There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand.
"The poll tax," he said.
"But the poll tax was repealed some time ago," replied the commissioner.
"Ay-yuh," declared the old man, "that's what I like about it."

Aging

Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo.As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told her."Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."

Picnic Passions

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter."This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Frobisher's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

Depunable

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. On a more positive note, though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

Dad Knew

My dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?" And she said, "I do."Then the minister asked my dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?"And my mom said, "He does."

CHILDRENS BOOKS THAT NEVER MADE IT

The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
'Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?'
Curious George & The High-Voltage Fence
You Are Different and That's Bad
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly!
Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games.
Testing Homemade Parachutes...With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Matches, Rags and Gasoline
An I-Can-Do-It Book
My Little Golden Book of Poisonous Snakes
Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.